“Three Pains” – A Lesson about Spiritual Abortion

[This is a conversation between one of our contributors and an agnostic reader of NA. The names have been changed, and permission to publish has been granted. 

This conversation is a wake-up call of sorts, in that it it portrays the unintentional, mostly unidentified, but nonetheless death-dealing phenomenon of what we’ve named “spiritual abortion”.

Fear-based caring on the part of parents towards their children (especially towards their adult children) becomes “caring that kills” which really becomes “killing that cares” on both sides of the relationship. And nobody knows why they kill although they care. 

However, the solution is at hand, and is unpacked in this conversation.

Some graphic language appears as we’ve preserved the conversation in its authenticity.]

03/01/2014 23:28

Dennison Freiburg

What is happening?

I have this message for you:

“The 4th commandment actually frees him from his parents’ unreasonable demands.

That is a truth pertaining to your suffering.

Fathers, do not provoke your children, so they may not become discouraged. Colosians 3.

It is weighed on par with obedience.”

 

03/01/2014 23:32

Neumann Meyer

I was physicallly unwell today and went to hospital.

Nothing serious though apparently.

 

03/01/2014 23:33

Dennison Freiburg

What were the symptoms?

 

03/01/2014 23:33

Neumann Meyer

I thought I was fainting and was hyperventilating.

 

03/01/2014 23:34

Dennison Freiburg

It is because of a double-bind.

 

03/01/2014 23:34

Neumann Meyer

Couldnt feel my hands anymore either

 

03/01/2014 23:34

Dennison Freiburg

I understand that.

It is psychological stress because of no “just” way forward.

 

03/01/2014 23:35

Neumann Meyer

Could well be

 

03/01/2014 23:36

Dennison Freiburg

There is a way, but you will need to trust me more than your own sight or have the direct revelation yourself.

I mentioned this to you with the Red Sea analogy.

 

03/01/2014 23:36

Neumann Meyer

I remember

 

03/01/2014 23:36

Dennison Freiburg

I so totally understand your choice to not trust.

Why would you ever need another voice to conform to.

The difference is that I am saying what I am saying for *you* as a gift and the others are saying their thing to protect *themselves*.

Let me tell you that this is not your fault.

The pain you feel from your parents is not about you, but about your brother.

In a way, it’s not their fault.

They don’t know what to do with their pain, and so they are trying to control it by controlling you.

 

03/01/2014 23:39

Neumann Meyer

Yes. I understand.

 

03/01/2014 23:39

Dennison Freiburg

They don’t want another one to go away.

 

03/01/2014 23:39

Neumann Meyer

Yes.

 

03/01/2014 23:39

Dennison Freiburg

Now, this demand is making it impossible for you to be a gift.

And it is depriving them of the meaning of their lives.

Because they are not being a gift to you.

And it is depriving you of your life.

It is pure evil.

And it is not even conscious.

It is hardly blame-worthy.

But it is pure evil nonetheless.

Now, I want you to know something:

The Fourth Commandment condemns this.

Whether you believe in God or not, it is somehow important for you to know.

It will free you of one of the binds.

And then there is a bit of life to make the next step.

I asked Kevin about this, and he wrote the following:

 

03/01/2014 23:43

Neumann Meyer

(Letting you finish)

 

03/01/2014 23:43

Dennison Freiburg

“The 4th concerns all relations between those in authority and those under their authority.

The most fundamental is the parent/child relationship.

Parents love and guide their children.

When they are young the respect and obey them.

When they grow up, the obligation to obey ceases, although they always have the obligation to respect them.

Parents must also always respect their children.

They lose their right to demand obedience when the child grows up.

Their obligation to respect also always remains.

Parents never have the right to determine a child’s vocation.

Neumann’s parents are wrong to demand obedience (whether it is direct or manipulative).

They have no right to say what he can do with his life.

That is deeply disrespectful to him.”

 

03/01/2014 23:44

Dennison Freiburg

I did not disclose anything personal to him.

 

03/01/2014 23:45

Neumann Meyer

Ok. Thank you. What he writes makes a lot of sense.

Although I don’t think the situation between my parents and me is not as black and white.

There certainly is a fear involved on both sides.

 

03/01/2014 23:46

Dennison Freiburg

It is always a mix.

Each of you is defending against the other.

 

03/01/2014 23:46

Neumann Meyer

It is not right of me to say my parents control me.

 

03/01/2014 23:46

Dennison Freiburg

But it is not malice.

It is, however, the death of gift on all sides.

It is not “right” of you to say, but it is true.

It is true because of your strategy to avoid the bad.

It is tantamount to total tyranny even though that is not their intent at all.

They just don’t want to be abandoned.

 

03/01/2014 23:47

Neumann Meyer

And it is not a direct control either.

But just as powerful indirectly.

 

03/01/2014 23:48

Dennison Freiburg

It is just fear.

Just like yours.

Not malice.

But you see the effect?

They are in the same boat.

 

03/01/2014 23:48

Neumann Meyer

Yes.

 

03/01/2014 23:48

Dennison Freiburg

And they have nobody to help them but you.

It will save them if you honor them.

If you are a gift undiminished by fear, it will save them and raise them up.

If not, they will die in despair.

You have that power.

They cannot break free unless it is through a gift from you.

 

03/01/2014 23:51

Neumann Meyer

How can I be that gift?

 

03/01/2014 23:51

Dennison Freiburg

A genuine self offering that has no reference to fear.

You only have to be you.

Be you = giving your gift.

They are identical.

Note the areas where you have changed because of fear.

Those parts of you are still there.

 

03/01/2014 23:52

Neumann Meyer

Understood.

 

03/01/2014 23:52

Dennison Freiburg

Entombed.

And they will arise Lazarus-like at your command.

It involves *nothing* in terms of “fuck you” towards them. [the parents]

In fact any element of that is just a different form of defense.

But *simply* being you is enough.

You are being obedient to their very religion, and they are not.

And it matters not if you believe.

They profess it.

And it is your duty according to their faith.

It is your duty to act as you.

So that you can be “present” to them as their son.

They have already lost you.

By defending against losing you they have forged the outcome they dreaded the most.

I tell you, they don’t quite see it yet.

And you don’t want that outcome either.

But it is necessary if you do not heed these words.

Both you and they are getting exactly what you dread the most.

 

03/01/2014 23:58

Neumann Meyer

I am starting to understand the problem more fully.

Without intending it.

 

03/01/2014 23:58

Dennison Freiburg

This is not a religious conclusion but a provable metaphysical one.

By intending the opposite.

It is a good that is sought.

Something that you each have a right to by original justice.

The method involves the attenuation of gift.

And it contradicts *reality* as such.

It is intrinsically disordered and dishonors all involved.

When one withholds their gift, then the other does not have what they need to be themselves.

To act in the right way.

And it escalates.

 

04/01/2014 00:00

Neumann Meyer

Yes. I can see that.

And it applies universally.

 

04/01/2014 00:00

Dennison Freiburg

They will not act first.

 

04/01/2014 00:00

Neumann Meyer

It seems like a fundamental mechanism.

04/01/2014 00:00

Dennison Freiburg

It is so true that it governs the whole world.

It is written into being itself.

If I am right about the ontological argument, then gift is all there is.

It is one of the transcendental properties of being.

Metaphysically coextensive with whatever is.

 

04/01/2014 00:02

Neumann Meyer

It is a very elegant concept

 

04/01/2014 00:02

Dennison Freiburg

The others are truth, beauty, goodness, unity.

Evil is the use of a good thing for a good purpose in a form denying the transcendentals.

It devours its own being.

That’s what you are experiencing.

I tell you now: Break with it.

You don’t need this method anymore.

You did to survive in times past.

It was the best you had.

Now it is absolutely outmoded.

Your parents think they have to see to your wellness, but really you must see to theirs.

But it is not by the means of intrusion.

It is simply by coming alive.

Let love be your motive and not dread fear.

Then you will be guarded by reality itself.

It is a consequence of the theory.

And you will see the defense happen.

You won’t be orchestrating it.

 

04/01/2014 00:06

Neumann Meyer

Thank you. I take these words very seriously.

 

04/01/2014 00:06

Dennison Freiburg

You will witness it.

Don’t tell me what you think I want to hear.

You do it.

It is the only way for you to not die.

 

04/01/2014 00:07

Neumann Meyer

I am not saying it because I want to be nice.

I would tell you if I thought it’s bullshit.

 

04/01/2014 00:07

Dennison Freiburg

I trust you.

I am begging you to believe me.

And to save yourself and therefore them.

 

04/01/2014 00:08

Neumann Meyer

Yes.

 

04/01/2014 00:08

Dennison Freiburg

You will die if you forsake the opportunity.

It is a matter of life and death.

There is no second chance now.

You have delayed for a long time because you love life.

And this choice to come alive has seemed like death.

DISBELIEVE THE EVIDENCE OF YOUR SIGHT.

It must seem like death because your nature cannot understand these things that were never meant to be.

It is understood as your imperative to avoid a horrible situation.

It goes there automatically and is not your fault.

The edifice you and they built is not the product of malice, but of love of life.

But it is a deception.

And we know that because it visibly violates gift.

And that’s true even if there is no God.

And love is still the best even if there is no God.

 

04/01/2014 00:12

Neumann Meyer

True.

Well, what can I say.

 

04/01/2014 00:12

Dennison Freiburg

And everything I am saying reduces to “let love prevail” over “making deals with non-love”.

Say it to them.

Without preparing.

Without consideration of their response.

Say it for them.

From you.

A you unmolested.

Innocent.

Without an agenda to get even.

Without a need to accuse them or vindicate yourself.

But just from a place of *being* who you are (a gift) in their sight.

It is the opposite of “work” or “preparation”

It is the unengineered you.

That’s all it is.

You being as rational as you naturally are.

You being as passionate as you naturally are.

You being as good of a listener as you naturally are.

You speaking the truth about justice and human dignity as you naturally do.

And you giving inspired counsel. The first agnostic on record.

But you don’t have to prepare any of these things.

You have to prepare to suppress them.

And I ask you to stop.

You know what it feels like to be on the receiving end of a defense-crippled love.

Rebel against that with everything you are.

Be a gift without defense.

Here’s a secret: We’re still just as vulnerable even with the defense as without it.

It never accomplished anything. Indeed it just brought the very thing we feared.

 

04/01/2014 00:19

Neumann Meyer

(Note that I’m reading, I just don’t presently have anything to say)

 

04/01/2014 00:19

Dennison Freiburg

I know.

There’s no need to say anything.

I want you to take this and either speak to them or come here in order to become well-enough to save them.

 

04/01/2014 00:20

Neumann Meyer

Thank you.

(Good that I didn’t fly today though)

 

04/01/2014 00:21

Dennison Freiburg

Tell me.

 

04/01/2014 00:21

Neumann Meyer

Just seeing the snow situation over there.

 

04/01/2014 00:21

Dennison Freiburg

There is something that I saw that I overlooked… Trying to remember now.

Right.

It was important, too. Give me a minute?

 

04/01/2014 00:22

Neumann Meyer

Sure. I’m here.

 

04/01/2014 00:22

Dennison Freiburg

It has something to do with betrayal.

Do you remember the three pains?

I waxed philosophical about them each.

I will summarize if you do not recall.

Betrayal was the second pain.

 

04/01/2014 00:23

Neumann Meyer

Do remind me please

 

04/01/2014 00:24

Dennison Freiburg

Alright. This will be hard because I never said the three at once. You will likely be attacked by your own nature.

I adjure you to pray conditionally that you be able to receive undisturbed.

It won’t be you, but your own physicality that closes your ears.

Because you aren’t meant to be in pain and aren’t meant to see it.

The grace will accompany what I say, but I ask you to pray conditionally for the grace to make the way for receptivity.

Will you confirm that you have done this before I state the three?

I mean only the most modest of requests.

Involving nothing ideological.

The conditional prayer is really nothing more than an act of will.

 

04/01/2014 00:30

Neumann Meyer

I will do it now.

 

04/01/2014 00:30

Dennison Freiburg

Let me know when you are finished.

 

04/01/2014 00:34

Neumann Meyer

Done.

 

04/01/2014 00:37

Dennison Freiburg

Now, these three pains were events that happened to me during your stay. I did not know how to deal with them because they came into my experience and seemed to fit the form of my life-data. It was as if they were magnetic fields and the facts of my life were iron filings. The facts took shape according to the field.

 

04/01/2014 00:38

Dennison Freiburg

Each time the pain was great enough to warrant serious consideration of suicide.

Each pain was something totally new for me, and though I have had history of interesting emotional troubles, this was a sudden and overwhelming experience of alien turf.

Now each time I went to you for counsel just because you were my friend and I was at the end of my rope.

And when I had expressed the pain to you it seemed that something passed between us and I realized without you saying so that I was describing your secret pain, and then I said so, and you confirmed it each of the three times.

And then the pain immediately left never to return to me.

Do you remember this?

The events, generally, sans content?

 

04/01/2014 00:42

Neumann Meyer

Yes.

 

04/01/2014 00:42

Dennison Freiburg

Now I will proceed to reiterate to the best of my ability the essential content of these pains.

Mind you, my lifelong coping mechanism is the polar opposite of yours.

 

04/01/2014 00:43

Neumann Meyer

Ok

Yes, we’re different in that respect.

 

04/01/2014 00:44

Dennison Freiburg

And prior to receiving these experiences I did not understand your method, and had a degree of contempt for it. That was so even with the New Apologetics and Divine Justice knowledge about everyone being right. My temptation, remarkably (given your actual fears) was to think of your method as a sissy method.

 

04/01/2014 00:44

Dennison Freiburg

I thought my method was far superior because it involved facing fear and acting.

And boy was I wrong/

uninformed.

After the experiences, I immediately regarded you as heroic for enduring for so long in this world of horrors.

I had no idea what would prompt someone to do the opposite of myself and think it was necessary.

I see now that it is the only thing that works on Venus.

Mine works for Neptune.

I can’t hang on Venus.

But you can.

So, now, when I consider your faults and tendencies, know that it is with much reverential fear and trembling.

And I know that you don’t believe in the devil.

But I know what the devil says to you because of the pains.

And because of the temptation as to what to call you because of your method.

I won’t say the accusations yet. I want to speak truth not lies, but I will say them later when the grace is there for that.

Now the three pains:

Note the reason for this aspect of the conversation has to do with betrayal which was an aspect of the second pain.

I will, however, say them in order.

 

04/01/2014 00:50

Neumann Meyer

Very well

 

04/01/2014 00:51

Dennison Freiburg

1) I have no place to lay my head in peace. Nowhere am I seen and welcomed as I am. I have no place where I am loved truly.

The three elements were really one giant buzzing mega essence. I separate them for the sake of being able to put words to it.

The consequence is I felt like a drifter roaming the earth.

And everything I thought I had was suddenly realized to be a sham.

I was an alien in my own family.

And let me quote something:

 

04/01/2014 00:53

Dennison Freiburg

“Cain said to the LORD: “My punishment is too great to bear. 14 Since you have now banished me from the soil, and I must avoid your presence and become a restless wanderer on the earth, anyone may kill me at sight.” 15 3 Not so!” the LORD said to him. “If anyone kills Cain, Cain shall be avenged sevenfold.” So the LORD put a mark on Cain, lest anyone should kill him at sight. 16 4 Cain then left the LORD’S presence and settled in the land of Nod, east of Eden.”

 

04/01/2014 00:54

Dennison Freiburg

I felt like I imagine Cain might.

And I have never had that feeling before or since.

And it took all of my power to not become actually dangerous to myself.

When I realized that you live there I was awestruck.

I was awestruck because you manage to hold up so well.

And go on.

It is heroic, and I have the right to say so because I was there.

Do you remember this?

 

04/01/2014 00:57

Neumann Meyer

Yes. In the “podcast closet”

 

04/01/2014 00:57

Dennison Freiburg

Yes.

And then I was freed of it.

I felt it just long enough to be led to say it.

I don’t know what the saying it accomplished.

But it is not my business.

That’s yours.

Now I honor what you have done to be able to go on living.

I can affirm most solemnly that my coping strategies have no viability there.

I was instantly suffocated and burned alive. My concern was that I had not yet died, and wanted so very badly to die.

It is my own pain to which my strategies are suited. Yours is different and warrants a different space suit.

And behold your suit is not made of the same stuff as mine.

Now I experienced this upon waking, and immediately told Luisa as if it were my own issue.

I said “I am not loved. This is all a big sham. I am going to kill myself.”

And she was terrified.

And then I was able to let her know that it was your burden, and I had misinterpreted my experience because this “transference” thing was entirely new to me.

I asked Nick about transference because he had mentioned this type of experience before.

He said that at some point, I willed to intercede for you in a way that was beyond the normal help of one to another.

I don’t remember doing that.

But he said I could break it if I wanted.

And I believed that I wanted to, and so I tried to will the break and ask God to take this away in the future.

But I experienced that there was a part of my will so deep that I am not really conscious of the decisions made there.

And that part would not let go of the intercession.

So I accept it now.

And then the second pain came.

2) Suddenly I was filled with bitter hate towards Luisa, and was more or less compelled to assault her with such bitter and scalding invective that no such things had ever come from my mouth in such an array during any one proceeding.

Especially not towards her.

The reason for it was this (and I know I handled myself very badly and that the insults were avoidable in theory, but once again I mistook this to be a pain from my own life, and it was not)

Betrayal. I took everything Luisa said to be a calculated lie. The lies were ordered towards manipulation of me and also were a front presented to both me, and oddly enough to herself to conceal anger/hatred/something that she had towards me.

I couldn’t quite access the “something”. I could not name it, but it was *reprehensible*.

And my urge was to let spew forth such a stream of vile insults that I don’t think the stream would have stopped unless the pain stopped.

I then happened to talk to you later in the day after freaking out in this state for hours.

I said something to the extent that there was a betrayal problem. Namely, if you were to take account of things, you have been on the receiving end of a serious dereliction of responsibility on the part of those who would justly have given themselves to you in due honor and care.

I interpreted it to mean at least and primarily your parents.

But because of your hatred of betrayal as such, you have decided to serve them and be loyal to them.

A loyalty not of love, but of *hatred* of betrayal.

There is a difference.

Now, there has been an interesting phenomenon since then.

I have literally been unable to remember the nature of the second pain.

And each time (maybe 10 total) I have had to have Luisa remind me of it.

I now see that this is meaningful.

Namely, you go on by forgetting this state of affairs consciously.

To reflect on it is to lose all hope of coping.

And therefore you do not gaze upon what you know to be the “betrayal” that you have experienced.

Instead your focus is on how to be a non-betrayer, and you don’t quite know why.

When you were here I asked you what you would say to your parents if the contents of your heart were to be expressed unhindered.

You didn’t quite know how to answer, and so I volunteered a speculation based on my received view of things:

I said something to the extent of “It would be a tirade of extreme unbridled barely-coherent profanity the likes of which hardly a human being has every heard since history began or will hear again.”

A litany of “FUCK YOU’s” prodigiously asserted without any reference for the wellness of the listener.

No thought of the other.

You would become a machine gun meant to slaughter them without compunction or reflection.

And you said that I was right.

Do you remember this?

 

04/01/2014 01:22

Neumann Meyer

I don’t and it seems strange that I confirmed your speculation.

 

04/01/2014 01:22

Dennison Freiburg

You did most vociferously.

You said that *if* you were to express yourself that this would be the content.

 

04/01/2014 01:23

Neumann Meyer

Maybe that was the truth.

 

04/01/2014 01:23

Dennison Freiburg

And it would require some action on *their* part to make you be able to stop.

 

04/01/2014 01:23

Neumann Meyer

I think I dimly recall it now.

 

04/01/2014 01:23

Dennison Freiburg

And it makes very clear sense to me that you do not remember.

It is only by the bravest of effort that you dare look.

Because this is, in your estimation, the essence of betrayal.

You don’t want to be a betrayer.

And so you see your loyalty.

But this insane resentment of the injustices put on you is there and growing.

And it is a fright.

And so you take measures to not see because it is completely out of control if you see it as real.

You urgently need to not have it be there. It is the one axiom of any ideology that you hold.

But it is there, and you can “safely” behold it obliquely when you are piss drunk.

And you drink not just to escape…

But to serve the twin imperatives of escape and truth telling.

Truth telling to yourself.

And to any kind soul who will listen.

It is not a shameful fault.

It is, like all things, a love of justice and truth.

You will have a grace to be loyal to the truth independently of an anesthetic soon.

But I honor your loyalty in the very difficult to carry form that it has taken.

I know that your drinking is a shame to you.

And I just want to encourage you that it was needful.

And may continue to be for longer than you like.

But I and Luisa support you in it.

Because it is necessary until it isn’t.

And those who would say otherwise (including 45% of you) are mistaken.

It will go when you have something better.

So, be merciful to the innocent. And have due reverence for your sin.

And know that if you ever come here, I support you getting as drunk as you need to get.

And as you may recall, I can hold my own.

And Luisa is not scandalized. She tips her proverbial hat to you.

Because she knows human beings and their love of justice.

I will, through my own means, provide you with the necessary anesthetic and my blessing while the “operation” is in process.

Who is so rash as to insist that there be surgery but no anesthetic?

And I am not the surgeon.

For all intents and purposes it’s *you*.

You need not attribute the action to “grace” ever.

Even if I do.

It doesn’t matter if you believe or not.

If I am right, God can’t change.

And he does what he does because he is who he is.

And our sin isn’t an obstacle so much.

If you can receive this as the truth, and as the course you *will* to follow even if you cannot perfectly conform to what you will, you will be well.

The course to follow is in accordance with your will to not be a betrayer.

But the action is to become a gift rather than a defense against demand.

Their demand deprives you of your possibility of being a gift.

It will take a “miracle” of grace (heroism in your book) to even entertain the thought.

And it will feel like Death++

But it only feels that way because of the ersatz justice structures upon which you have chosen to protect yourself.

And they are going away whether or not you abandon them for the truth.

They are literally unable to protect you any more because they are not strong enough.

And if you do not abandon the fortress, you will be buried beneath the rubble, and that hell is worse than the one you have experienced so far.

And you are experiencing hell.

Not that you are destined for hell.

FAR FROM IT!

But you are in the zone because of the methods. They prevent all real relationship.

Nothing is truly given, and nothing is truly received.

I will end this second part with a quote:

This will solve for you a nagging mystery, I believe.

 

04/01/2014 01:44

Neumann Meyer

All ears.

 

04/01/2014 01:45

Dennison Freiburg

The Parable of the Talents is about our fear disposing us to eternal loss through our radical embrace of “defense” in the place of gift.

We go to hell because we live hell now, and it is only natural to go to hell.

We go where we know.

Where it is “like” us.

And the other thing feels like absolute undoing of “us”

Please read this carefully:

 

04/01/2014 01:46

Dennison Freiburg

The Parable of the Talents.* 14  “It will be as when a man who was going on a journey* called in his servants and entrusted his possessions to them. 15 To one he gave five talents;* to another, two; to a third, one—to each according to his ability. Then he went away. Immediately 16 the one who received five talents went and traded with them, and made another five. 17 Likewise, the one who received two made another two. 18 * But the man who received one went off and dug a hole in the ground and buried his master’s money. 19 After a long time the master of those servants came back and settled accounts with them. 20 The one who had received five talents came forward bringing the additional five.* He said, ‘Master, you gave me five talents. See, I have made five more.’ 21 d His master said to him, ‘Well done, my good and faithful servant. Since you were faithful in small matters, I will give you great responsibilities. Come, share your master’s joy.’ 22 [Then] the one who had received two talents also came forward and said, ‘Master, you gave me two talents. See, I have made two more.’ 23 His master said to him, ‘Well done, my good and faithful servant. Since you were faithful in small matters, I will give you great responsibilities. Come, share your master’s joy.’ 24 Then the one who had received the one talent came forward and said, ‘Master, I knew you were a demanding person, harvesting where you did not plant and gathering where you did not scatter; 25 so out of fear I went off and buried your talent in the ground. Here it is back.’ 26 His master said to him in reply, ‘You wicked, lazy servant!* So you knew that I harvest where I did not plant and gather where I did not scatter? 27 Should you not then have put my money in the bank so that I could have got it back with interest on my return? 28 Now then! Take the talent from him and give it to the one with ten. 29 * e For to everyone who has, more will be given and he will grow rich; but from the one who has not, even what he has will be taken away. 30 * And throw this useless servant into the darkness outside, where there will be wailing and grinding of teeth.’

 

04/01/2014 01:48

Neumann Meyer

This is an eye-opener now.

Makes perfect sense against the preceding narrative.

 

04/01/2014 01:49

Dennison Freiburg

Now, I received this as revelation a few days ago.

But I also knew that I was not to say it.

Now this is a scary, but also very freeing thing:

Concerning your persistent concern about hell (even as a non-believer). In a way, you have no further to go; you can see where the defense against going to hell leads. You’ve said it yourself many times: this is hell. Well, you’re right.

You are living in the very hell you fear.

Literally.

And you are good.

Just like anyone who goes.

It is because we choose something other than love as our way.

That thing makes love seem like a death-dealing threat.

The master appeared wicked because of the judgment of the servant.

Consider this:

“ a “Stop judging,* that you may not be judged.b 2 For as you judge, so will you be judged, and the measure with which you measure will be measured out to you.c”

It concerns everything because we can only receive what we are open to receive.

And it cannot be altered unless you will to alter it.

Even God cannot reach you if you do not evacuate the fortress.

And any loving hand reaching out to you will afflict slightly more than it can possibly console.

And therefore it will be scorned as gently as possible.

And if it does not attend to the gentle, then the rejection will escalate until the other gets the message.

It can escalate infinitely.

But it hasn’t yet because you have not been pressed infinitely.

God has measured the press.

Or if you like, I have only had enough good ideas for one day to tell you.

Surgery needs anesthetic.

God agrees about the booze.

Believe me, he’s not like the religious people who condemn.

Because if I can see the need, so can he.

Now, I tell you: You are in hell already. But you can still leave precisely because of the very thing you are now terribly ashamed of.

You are ashamed of the drinking, but the drinking is the time when you are least subject to hell.

It is because that is when you are open to seeing more truth because it is somehow made a few degrees safer.

And the imperative to behold reality is so great that you go again and again.

It is not just a lack of good will.

Rather it is the place where your good will has been meticulously preserved.

If you didn’t do it, you would be either dead or insane.

Do you understand all of this?

 

04/01/2014 02:02

Neumann Meyer

All of it.

 

04/01/2014 02:02

Dennison Freiburg

I will tell you the simple prescription for a sure cure.

There are a lot of concepts here, and you need not hold it all.

It will be a distraction even.

I will tell you the cure and then state the third pain.

The cure is not to try to be a gift. Though that will be the result. It is too hard to do.

It is impossible really.

One thing at a time. The thing that is within your current freedom only.

The thing is this: If you believed it was safe to abandon the fortress you could do it.

But you don’t believe it is safe, nor can you.

 

04/01/2014 02:06

Dennison Freiburg

So the prescription is this: I ask you to *trust* me that I know it is safe. Trust me because I say that I know for sure because I’ve seen both sides of reality. Trust me because you know that I know what I am talking about. Trust me because my motive is to give to you and not demand anything in return. Do not respond, please.

 

04/01/2014 02:06

Dennison Freiburg

Do not say what you will do.

 

04/01/2014 02:09

Dennison Freiburg

Unlike other relationships, your relationship with me does not tacitly demand a response to fit an expectation. I beseech you to avoid any comment on this because until you complete the abandonment of the fortress your comment will be something reinforcing the fortress and will deprive me of my ability to speak into it.

 

04/01/2014 02:10

Neumann Meyer

Understood

I wonder why my body shut down today. At the hospital they told me I was fine, basically.

 

04/01/2014 02:12

Dennison Freiburg

But I tell you openly: I require your *faith* in order to enable your body to put one foot in front of the other. It is essentially *blind* faith/trust that is needed. You know me to be credible and maximally worthy, but it is a *blind* faith because it entails renunciation of your known safety.

 

04/01/2014 02:13

Dennison Freiburg

It is a somatic manifestation of what has happened to your mind.

The mind and the body are the same mostly.

Your reasoning is paralyzed.

And you are eminently rational.

It is because of a perceived double-bind and no way out.

The way out is that you make a deliberate decision to trust my words over and above your own sight and fear.

Then you will see for yourself.

No layover. Clear verification.

But the leap is literally required. Either me or God.

And you know I’m real and that I love you.

 

04/01/2014 02:15

Neumann Meyer

I do.

 

04/01/2014 02:16

Dennison Freiburg

Then don’t say more.

And God is not the least bit put off by me being the ad hoc proxy.

He *only * wants you well and doesn’t give a shit about himself. That’s if he exists, only (of course).

Now, that is the prescription.

To trust that it is *perfectly* safe to abdicate the fortress.

And to believe it only because I say so, and I have been a veteran of the unspeakable.

If you pay any attention to your own faculties, you will be absolutely sucked into a vortex of evil.

But take the lesson from the legend of the Exodus.

A double bind acted upon in faith and obedience resulted in the sea parting and the enemy being utterly destroyed.

And the little ones (who weren’t adept at doing anything right) went through dry shod.

I promise you that you will see God fight for you if you drop the claim on defending your own self.

You will see it with your own eyes in the land of the living.

And you will not experience a delay.

It is logically necessary that it be as I say.

But the proof is only going to bog you down.

So, you know the one simple thing now.

That’s all you need.

Nothing more is of use for this part of your journey. It is only added encumbrance and distraction.

Now, the third pain:

(give me just a second while I attend to a need)

 

04/01/2014 02:24

Neumann Meyer

Of course.

 

04/01/2014 02:27

Dennison Freiburg

Okay…

3) You went to confession the night before. I woke up with a horrible feeling of there being a dire emergency.

And I was unshakably and irrationally of the belief that you had deliberately concealed certain sins that you would have stated were it not for the choice to conceal them. It wasn’t an accidental omission.

I couldn’t believe it because I knew about your wound of scrupulosity.

And I did not want to say anything.

Luisa was concerned about me because I was a mess, and so I told her what I was experiencing.

And she was horrified that I would think that and she condemned me violently.

And I was absolutely thrown from all known safe ground.

I had never had a “revelation” be wrong. I knew the faculty. But there was such horror at how *dangerous* I was on the part of my wife that I was utterly bereft of having a way to choose who/what to believe.

See, she loves you too.

And she knows that that would be one of the most horrible things that I could possibly say to you if it were not true, or even if it were I would have no right to say.

So she was just absolutely indignant for your sake.

A veritable warrior for your dignity.

Now, I think I am getting something new in the telling…

You don’t know that you have fanatical advocates.

Only fanatical accusers.

There are voices who would suffer the flames for your sake.

She would not back down because she thought I had lost my marbles and now suspected that I was so unhinged that I might say something evil to you.

And given the previous two experiences and no clear narrative to account for what was happening, she had every right to be worried about me.

Now, I could not get away from the impression that what I saw was veridical, and that I saw it only in order to tell you.

Otherwise I would have no right to see it if it were not to give to you. Such things are private, and don’t come unless they are to be given to the person to whom they pertain.

And Luisa was *absolutely* against me saying anything.

But I reminded her that this had nothing to do with condemnation.

Nothing.

And that these things are always for healing.

And that grace comes with the word.

And I reminded her that she has never know me to be wrong, but in this case I was genuinely confused about what to do because her reaction was so strong.

And she very cautiously gave me the freedom to act without her protest.

And then, something *very* unexpected happened.

I started to feel terribly afraid of you.

And I have never had any such feelings in any form.

And it was so bad that it was as if you were a serial killer living in my home, and I suddenly came to that realization.

And I was actually genuinely fear-stricken.

And I told Luisa: “You’re not safe. Go to your parents house now.”

And she was nonplussed.

And I went on like a raving lunatic:

“Neumann is a danger to you and the children. GET THE FUCK OUT OF THE HOUSE NOW!”

And she was absolutely convinced that I was indeed insane.

And so she managed to convince me to doubt my perception of the feeing.

And I left the house.

But I kept checking in with her to verify her safety.

I never do that.

Not with regard to suspected violence.

But I was compelled to do it.

Because the feeling was *overwhelming* though entirely devoid of any rational merit.

When I returned, I had an infused awareness of what it meant, and I did not have that until you were there to talk to.

Do you remember that conversation?

 

04/01/2014 02:50

Neumann Meyer

Yes.

 

04/01/2014 02:50

Dennison Freiburg

I just got something additional.

Dude, an object just moved in my room.

hold on.

 

04/01/2014 02:51

Neumann Meyer

Mice?

 

04/01/2014 02:51

Dennison Freiburg

It seems that my three volume Mariology books tipped over.

Not sure if it is significant.

 

04/01/2014 02:52

Neumann Meyer

Next to the couch?

 

04/01/2014 02:52

Dennison Freiburg

Yes.

It’s stable normally. Possible that they could have tipped naturally, of course. It just seems possibly of interest given what I am about to say.

Namely there is a wound concerning Mary.

 

04/01/2014 02:53

Neumann Meyer

Ok.

 

04/01/2014 02:56

Dennison Freiburg

And what I just received is that (concerning the confession and my knowing of an aspect of it) that people have been totally illegitimately prying into your heart, and taking an assessment of their perception of the contents they think they understand and that this is a *horrible* violation of your dignity. It’s why you have such great reverence for privacy now, and why you are so truly respectful of others who have faults you don’t understand.

I assert that there is something connected to an abuse of Mary’s name in that mix.

 

04/01/2014 02:57

Dennison Freiburg

Now, I did tell you what I saw. And I did it in a way that did not go into that same bucket as the scruples did despite it being heard that way at first.

And I am not sure why it was important to tell you.

Because there was no concomitant importance ascribed to rectifying it.

It was not part of my message that you needed to do better.

But only to know that you did not need to carry what you thought unsuitable to disclose.

That the sacrament was there for you to be free of these things if you decide to avail yourself of that power.

And you seemed to understand.

And the verification that I was not just seeing false things helped me to feel human again.

I then knew what the other stuff was (Neumann as serial killer).

 

04/01/2014 03:04

Dennison Freiburg

Namely, if you do something that breaks the rules, and the “rules” can be as empty as some religious proscription misunderstood in its authentic essence, then your family (parents primarily, but maybe more) would suddenly and irrevocably see you with the perfect horror, nightmare-dread and urgent need to get themselves and other loved ones as far from you as possible because you were a deadly and insane threat.

 

04/01/2014 03:04

Dennison Freiburg

And I said to you at the same moment that I understood it myself:

“Oh, so this is why you are so careful to do what they expect or at least not let them see you deliberately do what they forbid.”

I said that the kind of avoidance and shunning reserved only for the most vile unconflicted criminal would be suddenly yours.

You would, in a way be a kind of scum beyond scum.

An infinitely poisonous scum that moves and tends to seek out scum-avoiders.

And I was really thunderstruck that these were the kinds of consequences waiting for you for otherwise reasonable adult human behavior.

But you confirmed the essence of what I was saying.

And I then had unconditional reverence for your “faults”.

Because you are dealing with data beyond the ambit of my experience.

And you are doing exactly what you need to do in order to stay well.

And that includes not rocking the boat until you are absolutely sure that you will be protected.

I forgot that on the ride to the airport and tortured you.

It still got used for the good because you had to see the other side too.

Maybe it was even inspired.

Because if you only got confirmed in the coping, but didn’t clearly see the indignity of your own lack of freedom to act because of paralyzing fear, I don’t think you would be able to be healing.

The fact that this has come to a head is not a failure, and it is not the closure of your life.

It is the very think I talked about in your presence with Daryl Solomon.

The walls closing in, and at the last second there is an opening where there wasn’t one before.

And we are anxious about there not being an opening.

But then it comes.

And all we have to do is go.

Not necessary to break walls.

And all we have ever wanted is a door.

The room is familiar, but old and boring.

The fact that it has now become dangerous makes us long for the old peacefully boring room.

But there is the door we always wanted.

Go through.

You will have the freedom to do it the moment is truly safe and not one second sooner.

And you will be perfectly safe.

Because it is made safe for you.

Not because you have orchestrated it.

I promise you that it is safe.

And when the time comes to go, I tell you to believe my word over your own body and mind.

Because your body will shake and your mind will be filled with phantasms about the consequences.

Pay no attention to that and just move out of belief in what your friend said. Look neither left nor right but straight ahead.

And you will not be put to the test in the way that the phantasms show. You will walk through dry shod.

I solemnly promise you this.

I have now finished this exposition, and ask that you say nothing to me.

I will contact you soon. I will pray for you that your faith may not fail.

You will have what you need the very moment it is useful and not before.

Goodnight, my friend.

 

04/01/2014 03:24

Neumann Meyer

Thank you very much. Goodnight.